Guy's Funky Nuts

Guy’s Funky Nuts

Long. Thick. Crispy. And Worth Every Damn Penny.

After months of testing, teasing, and perfecting, our somewhat perverted founder finally created the ultimate meat-nut combination—a snack so damn good, it’ll have your taste buds moaning for more.

What makes him somewhat perverted? We have no clue.
What makes his Funky Nuts so damn special? That, we can answer.

It all starts with Guy’s Nuts. When he least expects it, we crush those nuts in a machine that would make even the toughest man wince in pain. Then, we take those freshly pulverized nuts and layer them onto thick, crisp hickory-smoked bacon.

Next comes pure Vermont maple syrup, which locks everything in place before we send these bad boys through a series of high-heat oven transfers—getting things hotter than a virgin on prom night. The result? A perfectly crisp, deeply roasted, intensely flavorful snack that is bold, meaty, and packed with nutty goodness.

Yeah, It’s Expensive—But So Is Anything Worth Putting in Your Mouth.

Let’s get real. $59.95 ain’t cheap. But this isn’t some half-assed, shrink-wrapped, gas station snack that leaves you wondering why you even bothered.

This is real bacon, real nuts, real Vermont maple syrup.

Bacon ain’t been cheap in a long time. Good nuts, like good men, are hard to find, and our squirrels don’t work for free. Plus, the good folks in Vermont sure as hell aren’t giving away their maple syrup.

You’re not just paying for a snack. You’re paying for an experience.

If you’re cool settling for mass-produced, chemical-laden, limp excuses for snacks, go right ahead. But if you crave big, bold, premium flavor, you’ll understand why Guy’s Funky Nuts are worth every damn penny.

Because you can buy cheap, forgettable snacks from corporate gigolos and twenty-dollar call girls... or you can come uptown for the real thing—long, thick, crispy, and guaranteed to leave you satisfied.

Each one-pound sack of Guy’s Funky Nuts is packed with pure, unfiltered indulgence. And if you think $59.95 is still a lot, we respect that—just remember, it takes three pounds of bacon to make a single pound of Guy's Funky Nuts.

That’s a whole lot of meat in one sack.

So the real question isn’t “Is it worth it?” The real question is… can you handle it?

Allergen Information: Contains Peanuts and Tree Nuts.