Our Story
A Tale of Naughty Nibbles and Workplace Woes
Once upon a time, in a corporate jungle of spreadsheets, awkward small talk, and endless CYA (cover-your-ass) policies, there was a man named Guy. A Gulf War veteran, culinary champion, and certified HR nightmare, Guy was a maverick who worked harder than most and followed his own rules. With a sharp tongue, an even sharper sense of humor, and a knack for stirring the pot, he lived by one core belief: “Words and phrases are only as dirty as the minds that perceive them.” It was this belief that one day gave birth to the most salacious snack mix to ever grace a company party: Guy’s Nuts.
The tale of Guy’s Nuts begins in December of 2018. It was a brisk winter day, and the company holiday party loomed like a poorly planned potluck dinner. Guy decided to whip up a snack that would shake things up—and shake some life into his coworkers. With his award-winning culinary skills (seriously, he won a gold medal from the American Culinary Federation), Guy whipped up a batch of mixed nuts in a sweet, salty, spicy coating and passed them out to a select group of coworkers.
The response to Guy’s Nuts was instant—and insane. Employees couldn’t stop raving about the flavor, and the innuendos practically wrote themselves. The next day, the store was buzzing:
“Nothing beats a mouthful of Guy’s Nuts!”
“Have you tried sucking on Guy’s Nuts? It’s the best way to eat them!”
“I can’t stop licking the coating off Guy’s Nuts!”
Each comment sent HR into a frenzy of paperwork and verbal reprimands. But despite their best efforts, the jokes kept coming—and each year, so did the requests for more nuts. What started as a gag gift quickly turned into a legend.
By Christmas of 2023, demand for Guy’s Nuts was so high he decided everyone at the store would receive a sack of his nuts. One coworker begged for “an extra-large sack,” while another claimed his wife “couldn’t fit enough Guy’s Nuts in her mouth.”
Guy, ever the rebel, perpetuated the chaos. “I’m just giving the people what they want—my nuts.” Naturally, this earned him the title of “F---ing Human Resources Nightmare,” and immortalized Guy in HR folklore. But beyond the jokes, Guy’s Nuts became a much-needed source of laughter as well as a tasty snack during the busy holiday season.
Still, being the provocateur he was, Guy couldn’t leave well enough alone. For Christmas of 2024, he vowed to outdo himself. Developing recipes with names like Guy’s Crusty Nuts, Guy’s Creamy Nuts, and Guy’s Spicy Nuts, each new recipe was packed with matching flavors and more innuendos than a late-night comedy show. But behind the bawdy branding was a commitment to quality: Guy hand-selected premium ingredients, crafted each batch by hand, and made sure every bite delivered pure, mouthwatering perfection.
The turning point came when Guy’s youngest daughter, a college student and aspiring dietitian, texted him: “My boss wants to put your nuts on top of her ice cream.” With six dirty jokes running through his head, Guy realized something else—this wasn’t about Christmas gifts anymore.
In April of 2024, Guy’s Nuts became official. Guy registered the domain, GuysCrustyNuts.com (don’t Google it without Safe Search), filed an EIN, and began the grueling process of starting a business. With help from his daughters—one designing a logo as cheeky as the nut’s names, the other crafting FDA-approved nutrition labels—Guy turned his kitchen antics into a full-fledged operation. The final step was, the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture signing off on their inspections. The green light was given and GuysCrustyNuts.com went live the very same day.
The irony of it all? The ice cream shop owner who inspired this leap of faith had spent twenty odd years working in an HR position in corporate America. Today, she is one of Guy’s biggest fans—and a proud follower of Guy’s Nuts on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok while placing monthly orders on the website.
Starting a snack business wasn’t without challenges. Sourcing bulk nuts and equipment led to some questionable Google searches. (“Pro tip, never type ‘equipment to make guy’s nuts bigger’ unless you’re ready for some very weird results.”) But Guy persevered, driven by a mission to make Guy’s Nuts the ultimate combination of gourmet taste, suggestive names, and guilty pleasures.
As the business grows, so do the accolades and jokes. One of Guy’s proudest moments came when his boss sent a late-night text: “My boyfriend absolutely loves your nuts.” Whether she realized the double entendre and HR implications or not, it was the kind of validation Guy lives for.
Today, Guy’s Nuts is more than a snack—it’s a growing business and Guy’s Nuts will get bigger, woke ideologies, cancel culture and HR be damned. Whether you’re spicing up an office party, laughing at HR’s expense, or just indulging in a little guilty pleasure, Guy’s Nuts will have you covered.
Warning: If you have allergies, avoid Guy’s Nuts at all costs. Our insurance premiums are high enough. For everyone else: open a sack, pop some nuts in your mouth, lick ‘em a little and savor the flavor. Life’s too short not to enjoy, Guy’s Nuts.